it's 9:40pm, tony bennett is on the cd player. if i had a glass of scotch in my hand, fresh from a bath, i'd never know i was at camp. i know that i will desperately miss this place when i am gone. i'm kind of ready for that feeling, right now. it's wednesday. this camp session isn't over until sunday at 10am (hint, hint for those of you who need some church and some face time with me), and i am just tired. today, i really felt tired, for the first time this whole summer. tired in my bones, like if i had to manage one more crisis, band-aid one more bruised ego, faciliate one more staff meeting, dry one more homesick tear, do one more load of sandy, wet clothing, i might just fall to pieces. that is not a luxury in which i am capable of indulging. so, i'm relishing every moment of this early evening, enjoying what has just become a nat king cole track (i got a classic ballads cd on my last break...), and thinking about folding clean laundry, so i can sleep on my bed tonight.
everything really is alright. this is not an s.o.s. this is just me being honest. i adore camp. this summer has made me remember more things that i can begin to list, learn more things than i imagined, and forced me to ask hard questions, the likes of which i am often breathless simply contemplating, much less actually confronting. i knew that this summer would do one of two things--it would either answer some questions or drag up new ones. i can honestly say that i have exactly two answers to questions i had at the beginning of the summer. and i can honestly tell you that i have about a million more questions than i did when i got here. and that's pretty amazing.
jim valvano was a coach for villanova when they won their first ncaa basketball championship. it was a cinderella story to end all cinderella stories. he was a hero of mine for a long, long time. before he died, he was on the espy awards, and talked about what it meant to live every day. he said that to really live every day, you had to laughed, cry, and think. i have lived more days out here this summer than i have in the past year. that one fact makes all the ego juggling, immaturity, maddening schedules, fussy parents, non-compliant teenagers, humidity, ant infestations, pool vacuums and rules, being rolled in the volleyball sand, eating the same meals week after week, getting grass in my hair, etc. absolutlely and totally 100% worth it. this is life, this is my day to day. whatever happens after august 14th, i will be grateful for this time in my life, come what may. i will never get this time back, and God helping me, i am trying to live, really live, every day, at camp or not. this is too amazing to allow it to stop when i go home and find out what life is outside of this place, again. i'm a little afraid, a little excited, but mostly just content to see what comes next, whenever it pokes it's head around the corner.
mil besos--rmg
26 July 2006
20 July 2006
by the numbers...
12--the number of toilets i have plunged so far this summer
2--the number of people i have had to send home from camp for being stupid
1--the number of toilets i have had to snake out. and yes, i do know how to snake a toilet. aren't you proud?
1 million--the number of egos i have stroked and cajoled in the pursuit of a better camping experience for my campers.
21--the number of days until i go home and sleep in a real bed and eat food that doesn't come from sysco.
21--the number of days until i have a bathroom that only belongs to me.
10--the number of years i have progressively aged and then regressed at camp, depending on the day and the situation.
9--the number of verbal smackdowns i have had to issue to people who have gotten too big for their britches.
25--the number of verbal smackdowns i WISH i had issued to people who have gotten too big for their britches
875-- the number of times i have explained why we do things a certain way, justified a postion, or gently told someone to butt the heck out of something over which they have no say.
20--the average age of my staff
27--how old i am
2--the average amount of letters i get in a week
5--the average amount of letters i mail in a week
3--the number of cd's i bought at target on my last break
12--the number of kayaks i have to unrack and rerack everyday, except for today, because God loves me enough to make it rain
15--the number of pounds i have sweated off this summer, racking and reracking kayaks
3--the number of razor blades i have gone through this summer
2--the number of sticks of deodorant i have gone through this summer
6--the average number of times i get thrown into the pool or river every week
2--the average number of loads of laundry i have to do every week, assuming that the average number of times i get pushed in the pool does not exceed 6
7--predicted number of crying girls at the dance tonight
10--predicted number of crying boys after they get the smack down for being disrespectful to women at the pool today during their devotionals tonight.
1--the number of summers i will spend doing this job. ever. seriously. i love it, but once is enough.
20--number of times a day i wish i didn't have to be the grown up.
1 million--the number of times i am grateful that i have an incredibly family and friend network that have made me the person i am today.
i know you all have real jobs, but if you're interested in spending four days at camp, helping run a session for inner-city, under priviledged children, from august 8-13th, i can definately put you to work. let me know if you're insane enough to join the freak show for a couple of days.
i love you freaks.
mil besos--rmg
2--the number of people i have had to send home from camp for being stupid
1--the number of toilets i have had to snake out. and yes, i do know how to snake a toilet. aren't you proud?
1 million--the number of egos i have stroked and cajoled in the pursuit of a better camping experience for my campers.
21--the number of days until i go home and sleep in a real bed and eat food that doesn't come from sysco.
21--the number of days until i have a bathroom that only belongs to me.
10--the number of years i have progressively aged and then regressed at camp, depending on the day and the situation.
9--the number of verbal smackdowns i have had to issue to people who have gotten too big for their britches.
25--the number of verbal smackdowns i WISH i had issued to people who have gotten too big for their britches
875-- the number of times i have explained why we do things a certain way, justified a postion, or gently told someone to butt the heck out of something over which they have no say.
20--the average age of my staff
27--how old i am
2--the average amount of letters i get in a week
5--the average amount of letters i mail in a week
3--the number of cd's i bought at target on my last break
12--the number of kayaks i have to unrack and rerack everyday, except for today, because God loves me enough to make it rain
15--the number of pounds i have sweated off this summer, racking and reracking kayaks
3--the number of razor blades i have gone through this summer
2--the number of sticks of deodorant i have gone through this summer
6--the average number of times i get thrown into the pool or river every week
2--the average number of loads of laundry i have to do every week, assuming that the average number of times i get pushed in the pool does not exceed 6
7--predicted number of crying girls at the dance tonight
10--predicted number of crying boys after they get the smack down for being disrespectful to women at the pool today during their devotionals tonight.
1--the number of summers i will spend doing this job. ever. seriously. i love it, but once is enough.
20--number of times a day i wish i didn't have to be the grown up.
1 million--the number of times i am grateful that i have an incredibly family and friend network that have made me the person i am today.
i know you all have real jobs, but if you're interested in spending four days at camp, helping run a session for inner-city, under priviledged children, from august 8-13th, i can definately put you to work. let me know if you're insane enough to join the freak show for a couple of days.
i love you freaks.
mil besos--rmg
07 July 2006
post card from the edge, vol 4
i don't know when i've had a worse time at the beach. it rained. i only got to go swimming three times, and it was cloudy and overcast, so my tan isn't what i wanted it to be, at the moment. however, since i get to be head lifeguard this whole freaking week, since we are understaffed and overcommitted, i will be able to make up for lost sun by pulling kayaks in and out of the river, and making sure small children don't end at the bottom of the guad.
there are days here that seem like months. i can't remember being this homesick, even when i was a camper. my cousin jeane used to go to a camp for special children, and when she would come home from a week away, she would run to her room, turn on the tv, radio, record player, and anything else she could get her hands on, and lay across her bed, just happy to be home. i would move heaven and earth to be able to go home for six hours right now, and just see my family and sit down at my table and talk to my momma. i don't even give a crap about sleeping in my own bed. and that's a stretch, because i'm kind of over sleeping in a twin bed, without my good sheets and feather pillow top.
i love my job. i love my job, everyday. i get to be outside, i get to hang out with amazing people who are asking amazing questions about God and the universe, and are learning to find good answers to those questions. i get to talk about how i feel, what i think, what i want out of life. i get to pray every day. i get to sing every day. i get to laugh and cry and think every day, and be utterly unashamed about all of those things. for the first time in a long time, i feel like i am really alive, and i am bursting with that feeling. sometimes, it's almost too much to hold inside, too much to keep to myself, and i wonder what took me so long to allow myself to feel this, to get out of the way, and just be. i feel like a can opener has been turned on inside of me, and everything i thought i could never feel or be is pouring out. and i thank God for that, even though sometimes it's intense and a little scary.
there have been days and situations lately that i know i am not big enough, or smart enough, or creative enough, or brave enough to handle. but i have. and i have no explanation other than God as to how those days and situations got handled. i am consistently caught off guard by what comes out of my mouth, by conversations i'm allowed to have, by decisions i have to make, because i know that in a very real sense, i'm definately not the one doing the real work. i just feel open in a new way to letting God do the work that needs to be done through me. now, you can think i've gone off my rocker, flipped my lid, and take a bit of a crazy cracker. but there's no other way i can explain the things that have been happening over the summer. i know i'm not this smart, or this good. i mean, i'm freaking smart, and i am good, but this is far above and beyond what i am capable of doing. and i love knowing that and living into that. getting out of the way is the hardest thing i have to do everyday. because the minute i start doing this job, and stop letting God do it through me, things will go to hell awfully fast. and i don't want that, because too many good things will be lost, not the least of which is this time i get to spend with God, every day, doing this thing.
i am tired. i will be tired tomorrow, and the day after that, and probably the day after that, too. and the easy days are harder than i imagined the hardest days would be. and that's ok. this yoke is much easier than i imagined. the burden is light in a way i never imagined, because i can rest in the knowledge that, in a very real sense, i am just along for the ride, just the jar that holds the water.
it's midnight, and i'm probably not making a lot of sense. so many things seem to bubble up before i go to sleep. there are letters to write, phone calls that will have to wait for tomorrow, evaluations i need to finish, chapters in the book to edit and email out, and work emails i need to return. there are questions about my future that i'm not ready to ask, or answer, and that's ok. i can feel the changes coming, the way you can feel a storm about to blow in, when the air feels and smells heavy with rain, somewhere between a caress and a punch, somewhere between excitement and anxiety. all things shall be well. life sits on a spiral. blessed be.
mil besos--rmg
there are days here that seem like months. i can't remember being this homesick, even when i was a camper. my cousin jeane used to go to a camp for special children, and when she would come home from a week away, she would run to her room, turn on the tv, radio, record player, and anything else she could get her hands on, and lay across her bed, just happy to be home. i would move heaven and earth to be able to go home for six hours right now, and just see my family and sit down at my table and talk to my momma. i don't even give a crap about sleeping in my own bed. and that's a stretch, because i'm kind of over sleeping in a twin bed, without my good sheets and feather pillow top.
i love my job. i love my job, everyday. i get to be outside, i get to hang out with amazing people who are asking amazing questions about God and the universe, and are learning to find good answers to those questions. i get to talk about how i feel, what i think, what i want out of life. i get to pray every day. i get to sing every day. i get to laugh and cry and think every day, and be utterly unashamed about all of those things. for the first time in a long time, i feel like i am really alive, and i am bursting with that feeling. sometimes, it's almost too much to hold inside, too much to keep to myself, and i wonder what took me so long to allow myself to feel this, to get out of the way, and just be. i feel like a can opener has been turned on inside of me, and everything i thought i could never feel or be is pouring out. and i thank God for that, even though sometimes it's intense and a little scary.
there have been days and situations lately that i know i am not big enough, or smart enough, or creative enough, or brave enough to handle. but i have. and i have no explanation other than God as to how those days and situations got handled. i am consistently caught off guard by what comes out of my mouth, by conversations i'm allowed to have, by decisions i have to make, because i know that in a very real sense, i'm definately not the one doing the real work. i just feel open in a new way to letting God do the work that needs to be done through me. now, you can think i've gone off my rocker, flipped my lid, and take a bit of a crazy cracker. but there's no other way i can explain the things that have been happening over the summer. i know i'm not this smart, or this good. i mean, i'm freaking smart, and i am good, but this is far above and beyond what i am capable of doing. and i love knowing that and living into that. getting out of the way is the hardest thing i have to do everyday. because the minute i start doing this job, and stop letting God do it through me, things will go to hell awfully fast. and i don't want that, because too many good things will be lost, not the least of which is this time i get to spend with God, every day, doing this thing.
i am tired. i will be tired tomorrow, and the day after that, and probably the day after that, too. and the easy days are harder than i imagined the hardest days would be. and that's ok. this yoke is much easier than i imagined. the burden is light in a way i never imagined, because i can rest in the knowledge that, in a very real sense, i am just along for the ride, just the jar that holds the water.
it's midnight, and i'm probably not making a lot of sense. so many things seem to bubble up before i go to sleep. there are letters to write, phone calls that will have to wait for tomorrow, evaluations i need to finish, chapters in the book to edit and email out, and work emails i need to return. there are questions about my future that i'm not ready to ask, or answer, and that's ok. i can feel the changes coming, the way you can feel a storm about to blow in, when the air feels and smells heavy with rain, somewhere between a caress and a punch, somewhere between excitement and anxiety. all things shall be well. life sits on a spiral. blessed be.
mil besos--rmg
small consolation...
i'm hiding in my room before my next round of meetings. ryan adams is on repeat. i just ate some chinese food that was less than stellar, and managed to get 9 hours of sleep last night, wash all my laundry, and treat the gigantic zit that formed on my upper lip during the marathon beach retreat from hell. and in spite of all of that, i still love the fact that i'm at camp. i'm excited and terrified about what may or may not happen when i leave this place. i walk a tight rope everyday. and i like that. but i'm a little tired right now, and i wish like anything that i had more than 24 hours between finishing one thing and starting the next one. there are so many things to say, so much i want to write, but there's just not enough time to put it all down. i will try and do a big post tonight, full of rambling, just like i know you like it. mil besos--rmg
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