this has been one of those weeks in which every day has been monday--kind of like "groundhog day", only not really funny because it's not a movie. my to-do list, crafted with such precision and care has sat on my desk, almost untouched since monday. life just happens. the to-do list has served as a kind of reminder of that--more an indicator of what's not going to get done than anything else. and i spent monday night yelling at a group of 50-somethings who hired me, and tried to explain to them that they are not being great helps in this whole "ministry experience". i know it seems like the height of moxy to yell at a group of people who can fire you, but when a lady gets her belly full of people making suggestions, and then not helping out, a lady can get a little excited. i think maybe they picked up what i was putting down. we'll be hopeful, anyway.
i keep feeling all these feelings that just make me tired, more than anything. not the least of which is a combination between feeling grateful and feeling selfish. i feel like i'm struggling to keep my balance, most days. like today. i'm stuck between feeling glad to do my job, spending the day with one of my church ladies who's in the hospital, and feeling irritated that i'm getting stuff done on the house and missing a trip to the gym. i hate that. i wish i could settle on one way to feel. mostly, i wish i didn't feel like such a bitch for not being able to devote all my attention to my sick church lady. but if i concentrate too hard on how sick she is, i don't think i'll be able to handle the situation the way it needs to be handled.
my little lady is very sick. shit, let's be honest--she's dying. and she is teaching me about how to live, in her own way. she uses words like dignity and grace. she tells me about raising her three children, and what her life has been like. she tells such good stories. and she knows exactly what kind of barrel she's staring down. i hope i never have to be as brave as my little lady is being. it's not that i don't think i have it in me to be, just don't want to have to reach down that deep. it's scary to go that deep.
she's out of recovery now. i gotta run.
mil besos--rmg
