the rules of the universe

ok, i've tried to explain this to two of my male friends, and they just can't seem to get their heads around this concept. let me just preface this explanation by saying that these rules are very important. in fact, they may be the only thing that keeps the space/time contiuum in tact. they are not to be questioned, just to be accepted and obeyed.

there are two kinds of sports teams: real teams and expansion teams. real teams come into being when either a major league of something (football, baseball, basketball, soccer, etc.) is formed, or when a collegiate conference is formed (like the ACC, etc.) all teams that are considered charter members of those entities are deemed real. you can cheer for them, buy their merchandise, go to their games, even proclaim yourself a fanatic. they are the only ones who can legitimately win a title. for instance, big snaps to the diamondbacks for winning that world series title two years ago, but it wasn't real. they are an expansion team. that's the rule.

additionally, a team that began as a founding member can loose it's status as a founding member if it leaves the conference for another, or departs for another city. for example-- the brooklyn dodgers were a real team, but the los angels dodgers are not. likewise, the houston oilers were a real team, but the houston texans are not.

you can also gain or loose status by your rate of suckage. for instance, the dallas cowboys are in danger of becoming a fake team because they suck so badly. conversely, because they have sucked since almost time out of mind, the redskins will always be real. cleveland, although it sucks as well, is not a real team because it left and came back. that's worse than just leaving. plus, they loose points for having a color as their mascot and for having ugly uniforms. like i said, these are the rules. our job is to just accept them.

a team may also gain real status by procuring a dynasty-- like if san antonio were to win the nba title again this year, they would become real. kind of like the veleveteen rabbit. for instance: chicago became a real team because they won four straight titles in a row in basketball. you have to be really really loved and really really awesome to become real. it also helps if there is scarlett fever or cholera involved.

let me further illustrate the point:
the dodgers aren't a real team-- they are an expansion team. you can still like them. it's lame, but you can still like them. however, if they were to play in a world weries against the yankees or the sox (Red, not White, because the White Sox lost their realness when they let Shoeless Joe take the fall), you'd be obligated to cheer for the real team (i.e. the Yanks, even though that would be like drinking turpentine and peeing on a brushfire, as far as i'm concerned). why aren't the real anymore? because no one leaves new york, ever. and certainly no one ever leaves Ebbetts Field, a cathedral of baseball, for the lameness of Los Angeles. It's worse than saying bad things about one's mother. You know what they did to Ebbetts Field? They tore it down. There's probably a 7-11 or a Dunkin'Donuts there, now. Shameful.

it sucks, but it's the law.

--rachel