the fact of the matter...

i heard it said once that there is no such thing as a casual comment. i believe that down to the darkest bottom of my itty bitty cold hard heart. the most innocuous joke, silly little aside, tossed off one-liner can a) have a thousand meanings, whether you intend it to or not, and b) can expose raw nerves that should by all rights, never see the light of day.

as a person who seems to do a lot of talking, both as a matter of fact and as a matter of vocation, i find myself doing a lot of "self-editing", and even when i feel like i'm in safe territory, like with friends or family, i still try to be careful with my words. sometimes i do ok, and sometimes i set off fire alarms for 20 city blocks. sometimes i wonder what it would be like to take a silent retreat, and not talk to anybody for a week. i would probably talk to myself, anyway, and that's cheating. but that's really not the point of this post, not really.

and so, in a fashion that is mostly alien to myself and to this blog, i am choosing to rebutt. dear friend, upon who's fragile psyche my rapier wit and razor tongue seemed to tread too hard, read and consider what i secretly mean when i talk to you, when we drink beer, and when i avoid saying what i mean in order to protect my own psyche from overexposure...

i'll be honest with you. i'm kind of past the idea of heaven and hell and wondering what an afterlife looks like. frankly, i could care less. i don't think that it's fair for me to talk about being a Christian, being someone who cares about other people and cares about my relationship to God if all i'm doing is hedging my bets about whether i'll be thrown into a lake of fire or spend eternity eating heavenly bon-bons and plucking a harp. neither of those ideas sound very realistic. and i don't mean that heaven sounds like a bad deal--it doesn't. i just don't think our ideas about heaven and hell make a whole lot of sense. and to reiterate, i don't want to have a relationship with God in the here and now that's secretly about keeping my butt out of a sling when i die. that's really not much of a relationship, is it? i mean, it's like sucking up to your math teacher so she'll go easy on you during finals. you've got no investment in being nice to her outside of what it does for you. and that my friends, is what i like to call being an asshole.

i don't want to spend one more minute thinking about where i'm going to spend eternity. i do want to spend a lot of time thinking about how i'm serving God's purpose for me in this life, in this moment, to the people i work with and meet every day. that's real. that's concrete. the rest of it, hell, heaven, the immortal soul, ect. those are unknowns, and in the final analysis, i have no idea and no control over what is real and what is whistling in the dark. i can do right by people, i can follow my heart, i can say my prayers. that's really where the rubber meets the road. so yeah, maybe i am flip about hell and heaven. maybe it's because i have a really hard time believing in a God who preaches love and forgiveness and then condemns people to a hell that is utterly removed from love and forgiveness. seems like situational ethics, if you ask me. but what do i know? i still have trouble remembering not to yell at God about why i'm still single when i have to change light bulbs in my house by myself. it's just as bad to expect a pay off in this life for being a good soldier as it is to expect the same when i die. what can i say? it's an ongoing struggle for me with my Creator. i wish i had a better handle on it, but that's what i know today. it could all change tomorrow. i'm willing to be persuaded.

and as for eve, oh eve.

i have advocated your cause the best way i know how--i have tried to stay away from being the stereotype--the overly involved, overly emotional, overly made-up, overly curious, overly female female. eve, my sister and my mother, i remember you daily. i think the men give you more power than you really have. i think they make you into a villain, because it's easier than admitting that adam is as responsible for the apple as you are. don't forget, the old ways say you were adam's second wife, that he made the first one mad.

so, sister mine, with your fig leaves and lonely, much travailed childbirths, i will be your devil's advocate. suppose you had all the facts, suppose adam had informed you as he had been informed. would you still have picked the fruit? would you have shared the fruit? and what in the wide world did you say to adam to persuade him to eat of it? surely your eyes and lips and hair were no more beautiful or winsome that the faces of your daughters gathered at the mall, or starbucks, or central market? surely you were ordinary some days, even though you were the first.

am i to be damned and lumped in with you for all time because you acted on poor information, were beguiled by a creature with a cunning mouth and empty promises? and maybe, just maybe adam saw how easily you were sidetracked, and took a lesson from the serpent. and maybe that's why i and all your daughters have been on an endless quest for information, for integrity, to know what it looks like all the way down, all the way to the bottom of the rabbit hole, because one dreadful time we acted on poor information, and have been punished for all time. fool us once...and punish us forever. where in the hell were YOU? and who are you to criticize, adam and sons, for your transgression was made with FULL knowledge, mouth of God to ear of adam. you kept it for yourself, and dared to offer up blame when we acted outside that knowledge. and rather than call us out, you followed along. and allowed us to take the brunt of the punishment, rather than taking the accountability upon yourself.

but we are the ones who drive you crazy? no, no, our punishment was to be desirous of YOU, that YOU would rule over us, and that the products of that desire would cause us pain and break our hearts, to have enmity between our children and the enemy. you were only given a longer work day, harder work to do, and were still exalted as the crown of creation. and don't think for a minute that was because God didn't know what had really happened. you may have gotten of lightly in the first punishment, but there is something to be said for being your own comeuppance.

so go right ahead, son of adam. be bewildered. be amused. be frustrated. be utterly confused. blame sins of the mother on the hearts of the daughters--confine us to the fishbowl and tempt us with things that glitter and shine. and by all means, neglect to view your father with unveiled eyes. blindness is your prerogative and your choice, and sometimes, a willing muse.

and that's really about all i have to say about that, folks. vitrolic? maybe, but i think accounts are being settled, and something new is about to be born. easter is coming, and with it a deep and abiding sense of hope and renewal. i love spring. this time of year is so fertile and good. and on the wind, before the rain, i can smell green things. and i feel them inside my heart.

thanks for putting up with the random.

mil besos--rmg