brokedown palace

i have the grateful dead on repeat today. for some reason, "brokedown palace" is the song i want to listen to over and over again. and "sugaree". and just because i can, i have been listening to james taylor, too.

the older i get, the more i seem to have delayed reactions to things. and the reactions seem to be getting more and more visceral the older i get, as well. the upshot of this is that it's pretty hard to garner any kind of reaction from me, at least on most days. yesterday was not that day.

it's no secret to people who have known me for a long time that late may is probably my least favorite time of year. i realize that may be a dumb thing to say, but i really can't help how i feel. some years, it doesn't even bother me. may 18th is just a regular day, not the day my dad died or the day we buried my poppy. this year was mostly like that. i waited to get good and upset until yesterday, when an entire avalanche of horseshit combined with missing my dad and my poppy, and conspired to have me sit at my desk and cry for a good half of the day. and then, thinking that i needed some consumer therapy, i went to home depot to pick out carpet samples to take home and try out, and got so overwhelmed with the gravity of picking out 850 square feet of carpet by myself, that too made me cry. all the way home. i am probably the only woman in the history of the carpet industry who cried because she had to pick out carpet. i woke up this morning with splotchy marks still on my face, and gritty eyeballs. and i almost started crying on the way to work, because i just wanted to stay home today. sometimes, i hate being a grown up. and i really hate feeling sorry for myself--it's such a time suck. but it's real.

so, i'm working today, in spite of how i feel. i'm listening to music that soothes me. i'm talking to the baby Jesus. i'm on my way out to take communion to one of my little old ladies. i wish i could get someone else to take it to her, today. she's getting so old and frail, and i don't think she's going to be with me much longer. but, she's very uncomfortable, and she misses her husband, so i certainly won't be sad for her when she leaves the party. i will miss her, though. and today, it would be nice to have a buffer between me and that feeling. however, to ask someone to do that for me would require me to risk being told "no", which i don't think i could stand to hear today, at least not without a temper tantrum and more tears. so, i'm on my way to see miss mary. and i'll smile. we will laugh. we will share communion. and then, i will get into my car, crank up the tunes, and be glad that tomorrow is a day off.

i love you people.

mil besos--rmg