prime

31...wow. i'm here, and i must say...i love it. i really do. it's an incredible blessing to wake up in the mornings, and not roll over and start crying, or be immediately and devastatingly disappointed in who you see in the mirror. for the first time, i feel entirely myself. and i realize that sounds like such a strange thing to say...i mean, it's not like i've undertaken some bizarre change. i think i've just come to an understanding with G-d, the universe, and myself.

to be able to see myself as G-d's creature, something beloved, that is apart from who i am in my family, to my friends, at my work...to realize that i am wholly pleasing, just on my own, because Jesus loves me into that, is fantastic. and it makes the fact that i cried my way through this summer, spent a lot of time being quiet, and have radically adjusted my expectations on every single level in my life worth everthing. to feel safe, saved, and free is a wonderful thing. it even makes the gray hairs that seem to show up with more and more regularity beautiful to me.

i've been reading a lot, as always. and i've been reading a pretty wide range of material...fiction, biography, science, wikipedia, etc. i recently finished "a brief history of time", by stephen hawking. it's supposed to be a book on quantum physics for the layperson. i read the whole thing, cover to cover. i understood every word on the page, but i'm still not entirely sure what i read, or anything at all about quantum mechanics. but i have to tell you that what i did come away with was a profound and deep appreciation for this amazing Creation, and am in awe of the Creator.

some people read physics, study science, and believe that they have nothing to do with G-d. i suppose that's true if one's perspective of G-d is limited to devine parental figure. i don't want a G-d that small...and fail to see the point in having one that small. G-d is big. and in a real sense, i connected the idea of G-d and the universe in some new ways. for instance, did you know that the universe has no edge, and no center? the universe is expanding at the exact right speed to not collapse in on itself. time and space move constantly, so you'd never really be able to travel back in time, unless you could also travel back in space. that can't be accidental. you really and truly never cross the same river twice...not the guadalupe or the rubicon. and i think that's kind of incredible.

i've thought for a long, long time that my greatest strength was my endurance. maybe that's not true. maybe it's not enough to be able to bite your lip and get through whatever life is handing to you. i've been trying more and more not to just bite my lip, but to have the grace to look around, and realize that life is happening all around me, beauty is waiting to be seen, comfort is waiting around ever corner (to recieve, as much as to give), and i will never pass this way, again.

to be fully present, and fully invested in being fully present is hard to do. we live in a world of bells and whistles and shiny things. we live in a world focused on the future...whether that's the next political cycle, the next pay check, the end of the mayan sun clock, etc. what we forget is that if you aren't living this moment, right to the brim, you're missing out on something that you can't ever get back, that you can't even imagine. and i don't want to do that anymore. i want to live out loud, in every possible color and flavor, while all the speakers and colors and flavors are available. i don't want to waste time wishing for things, or hoping for things. i'd rather spend the time being grateful for what's in front of me, around me, beside me, and know that all of those things and people and experiences are a gracious plenty.

the land of prime...where a number is divisible by itself and one, and nothing else...i like this place. i like how it feels to be here, even the sharp edges. i'm profoundly grateful that it's cold, that it's Christmas, that my family and friends are happy and healthy. i'm thrilled by engagement announcements, shower plans, holding babies, opening cards, and sending emails. every day is such a blessing to me. to be divisible by nothing by G-d, nothing but love, nothing but hope, and peace, and joy...prime is good place to be.

mil besos,
rmg