...it's an egg...hold it like an egg...

i finally finished putting my clothes away.  it only took six weeks.  i've done laundry three times.  but somehow, i could not bring myself to sort out drawers, separate the pants/skirts/tops into a workable/wearable format, arrange the shoes, etc.  stephen king is right--it is hard to know how to begin.

i love the new job.  i love the people i work with, and i love the people i work for.  there hasn't been a single day that i felt something was wasted.  now, i know some of that is just the newness of the place, the otherness of this adventure.  but i also think it's just a really healthy, reasonable, growing, and lovely place to land.  and that kind of scares the crap out of me.

i mean, sure i put all my clothes away.  but...i haven't hung a single picture or unpacked a single knickknack.  like at all.  i have two frames up--one my grammy painted, and a notecard my dad had pinned over his desk for years.  it's like i almost don't believe i live here, in my little apartment, in this funny little town.  there's a part of me that is scared to believe that i live here, for a whole variety of reasons.  i'm realizing more and more how hard the last year was, how lonely and frightened i was for so much of it.  i'm learning every day that i don't ever have to go back to that place, that i can do different.  i'm learning every day how lucky i am, how lucky we all are.

grace is a funny thing.  it finds us in the most unexpected places.  you know, i have never been a good sleeper, at least not on the regular kind of sleep cycle that most of the world enjoys.  i have an internal clock all my own.  but you know, since the first night i unpacked in happy valley, even on nights when i don't get a whole-whole lot, i have slept like a baby.  no bad dreams.  no staring at the wall.  no sheer and consuming panic.  no tears and sobbing.  and when i remember that, not having pictures on the wall or knickknacks on the end tables seems like pretty small potatoes.

mil besos,
rmg