neutral ground

April is the cruellest month, breeding

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing

Memory and desire, stirring

Dull roots with spring rain.

***

Blessed sister, holy mother, spirit of the fountain, spirit of the garden,

Suffer us not to mock ourselves with falsehood

Teach us to care and not to care

***

you neglect and belittle the desert.

The desert is not remote in southern tropics

The desert is not only around the corner,

The desert is squeezed in the tube-train next to you,

The desert is in the heart of your brother.

***

Ohm, Shanti, Shanti...

-ts eliot

today felt like i was walking around in a pair of shoes with no traction, on a super-slick floor, and having to fight like the dickens not to go head over heels into a heap in the middle of the hallway.  some days are like that, and for no good reason.  but, like i told the fairy godmother/bosslady: we didn't lose any ground, and that is no small thing.  

there are no small miracles, no small victories, no insignificant gains in this life.  sometimes, planting your feet and refusing to move is about the best any of us can do.  figuring out the balance between fighting the good fight and being a pain in the ass is hard.  sometimes, i have to take a sober second look at what i'm doing, just to make sure i'm not totally off the reservation, and spinning my wheels.  sometimes i discover i have done just that...spun my wheels and dug myself into a doozy of a rut.  it's hard to resist the shame-spiral that threatens to follow that kind of realization.  some days, i don't make it out, and have to cry a little and write a little and play my guitar at top volume for at least an hour, and remind myself that while lots of people think i'm super-smart and super-capable, i'm just some girl who's trying to make a life she's proud of, just like everyone else.  and there are days when i am not awesome.  

but every day, regardless of the circumstances or the reasons or the caveats or the excuses or the allergies or too much coffee or not enough sleep or just because it's thursday, and we're all a little strung out, here...we have the chance to bring out best selves, our wildest and most vivid dreams to the table.  some days, it's chicken salad, and other days...it's chicken shit...but as long as the sun keeps coming up, and we find ourselves on the green side of the grass, as long as we remember that even when we feel most afraid, we are never alone, never toiling in solitude, we can find ways to celebrate that work, find a way to live fully and fearlessly into where and who and how we are.  

there are days when we will take the hill, and days when we will end up bruised and bloody, back at the bottom. and then there are neutral days, days when all we do is hold our ground.  

and that is no small thing.  

mil besos,

rmg