force of nature: a portrait of a lady

	force of nature
Part of Speech:	n
Definition:	in physics, one of the four fundamental forces that occur in nature and affect thestructure of the universe, including gravitation, electromagnetism, strong force, andweak force
Usage:	science --dictionary.com

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it is over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

--mary oliver

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

--ts eliot

¹⁷ She girds herself with strength,
    and makes her arms strong.
¹⁸ She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
    Her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ She puts her hands to the distaff,
    and her hands hold the spindle.
²⁰ She opens her hand to the poor,
    and reaches out her hands to the needy.
²¹ She is not afraid for her household when it snows,
    for all her household are clothed in crimson.
²² She makes herself coverings;
    her clothing is fine linen and purple.

...

²⁵ Strength and dignity are her clothing,
    and she laughs at the time to come.
²⁶ She opens her mouth with wisdom,
    and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
²⁷ She looks well to the ways of her household,
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children rise up and call her happy;
    her husband too, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women have done excellently,
    but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Give her a share in the fruit of her hands,
    and let her works praise her in the city gates.

--proverbs 31

it's hard to know how to write about her.  she wasn't my mother or my grandmother, but she had a firm and honest hand in raising me, in helping to mold me into a woman.  i'm not over-exaggerating when i say that the women in my family are known for being forces of nature unto themselves, and she was no exception.  i can't remember a single time i saw her or had an update about her that she wasn't doing something active, wasn't involved in making something, wasn't relishing time with her family.  she was a doer.  she was relentless.  she was never bored, and it was impossible to be bored when you were in her presence.  

i wasn't the only little girl in my generation of cousins, but i was the one who lived closest to several of my great-aunts and uncles, and it was good to be a girl.  when i was three, and went crazy over weddings and being a bride and conducting pretend marriage services for everyone in the family, aunt lu made me a little white dress, head piece, and flower.  someone, probably my momma, took a picture of me in that dress, on my birthday, grinning wide enough that i'm surprised my head didn't split in half, standing just in front of my dad.  the look on his face was priceless.  and even though it's sentimental and probably a little stubborn (no shocker there), when it came time to buy the dress i would wear to wed my beloved, i just couldn't imagine buying a white dress...i'd already had one that was perfect, and i was sure that no white dress i ever tried on in the store would be as perfect as that one was. i wore that thing until it fell apart, wore the headpiece until it cracked beyond repair, carried that fabric flower until it had enough dirt on it to grow a whole garden.  

when i was five and totally underfoot all the time, putting on shows and telling crazy stories, and wanting to be everywhere the grownups were, she made me a red apron with a goose on it, just like the one she wore.  i found it in my box of little kid things, a few months ago, and marveled at the detail she put into this little scrap of cloth, for a little scrap of girl.  the tucks, the pleats, the way it laid just so when i tied it on...such love and care over such a little thing that made such a huge impression on me, even at such a tender age.  i knew that apron meant i could be in the kitchen, and i knew the kitchen gave me access to magical smells, stories i'd never heard before, and lessons on how to peel things and stay out of the way.  it also meant i got to help make bloody mary's, which were one of the hallmarks of Christmas at aunt lu's house.  

at around age seven or eight, i was absolutely delusional over "little house on the prairie".  G-d knows how many episodes i've seen in my life, or how many times i've seen the reruns.  obsession doesn't even begin to cover the depth of my devotion to that series.  aunt lu made me this incredibly "little house dress", out of black calico.  there was a petticoat, and bloomers, and...my favorite of all...a sun bonnet, made out of bright white cotton.  the bonnet became a staple of just about every knock-around outfit i wore, and i loved to run as fast as i could, to make it trail out behind me.  i guess i figured if i looked the part, and ran fast enough, i'd end up back in 1880, and might turn into laura ingalls wilder.  i was so crazy about that outfit that i wore it to school, not ever thinking that it might garner unwanted attention from my classmates.  it was exactly right, the fall of the skirt, the buttons, and that wonderful bonnet.  it even scored me a spot in a fashion show, my only modeling venture to date.  i wore it until i couldn't wear it anymore, but it's still in the dress up box.  

the mean girls came calling in late elementary, like they do.  there was a huge flap over poodle skirts, and i was pretty sure if i didn't have one, i was going to die, or at least be a social outcast for the rest of my young life.  well, of course aunt lu had a pattern for one, sandy and susie had had them, and aunt lu wore full skirts in the 50's and 60's with the best of them.  and so, on my 12th birthday, this absolutely gorgeous blue poodle skirt, complete with rhinestones on the collar of the poodle, AND bobby socks, were presented to me.  i was absolutely over the moon.  i can't tell you what it was like to open that box, and see that poodle staring back up at me.  it wasn't pink, like the mean girls had.  it was blue.  bright blue like a springtime sky, like the one over my head, today.  that skirt made me feel special, not just because the meanies couldn't be mean about me not having one, anymore, but because at 12, i was finally starting to understand and appreciate my place in our family as an individual, not as Slana and Bill's daughter, or Callie and Bobby's granddaughter, but as my own self.  aunt lu always, always, always made me feel like i was special, apart from who i belonged to, or what i did or didn't know how to do or be.  

by the time i was in high school, i'd outgrown all my playclothes, and they had long since been packed away.  but i still loved playing dress-up, and found myself school plays. aunt lu never missed a performance i invited her to.  that goes for band contests, too.  she showed up.  she cheered.  she loved.  it's no secret that my senior year in high school was difficult, and much of my spare time was spent with my parents in San Angelo, or working on homework.  the play gave me respite.  i could be someone else for those hours of practice in the afternoons and evenings.  that last year, i played a woman who was a lot like aunt lu, feisty and firey and always for good reason.  i had my costume almost all worked out, but couldn't find a bag or gloves that were right for the time period in which the play was set.  naturally, aunt lu had a bag, and gloves, AND a hanky that she lent me.  and of course, they were perfect.  putting those gloves on, prissing around with that handbag, and waving this gorgeous hanky let me jump into my character's skin.  and knowing they were from aunt lu, that those gloves had hugged her hands, that bag had held her things, that hanky had dried eyes and blown noses...that helped me relax and not think so much, and not be afraid i was going to get out in the lights and forget everything i'd ever learned in my whole life.  

the clothes she put on my back, on all our backs, in our lifetimes with her, made me warm, made me know how much she loved me, made me understand my place in our family that much better.  she had a knack for telling stories, for laughing at herself and the world, of being incredibly creative and kind that is hard to look at dead-on, without raising a lump in my throat.  what she gave and did, she did freely.  what she said and though, she said and though freely.  you never had to wonder what she thought, or where you stood in her book.  she was an incredibly woman, an independent woman long before that was something women thought about being.  whether she was putting finishing touches on a meal or a garment, she was focused and determined, and we all shared in the riches from her table and hands.  i'm grateful every day for the time i spent with her, for the stories she told me about our family, for the drive to provide for her family, to do amazing things with short supplies, and for the way she loved.  

the women in our family are incredibly strong, devoted, resourceful, and kind, and aunt lu was and will always be one of the legends in our family lore.  she had beautiful, strong hands, and there was always room at her table,an open bed in her home, and a heart that loved her friends and family in life-changing and life-giving ways.  she was a wonder and a blessing.  

mil besos,

rmgj