Job Description

"as time wore on did she think much about the beloved parents she had left behind her?...wendy did not really worry about her father and mother; she was absolutely confident that they would always keep the window open for her to fly back by, and this gave her complete ease of mind. 

what did disturb her at times was that john remembered his parents vaguely only, 

as people he had once known, while michael was quite willing to believe that she was really his mother. 

these things scared her a little, and nobly anxious to do her duty, she tried to fix the old life in their minds by setting them examination papers on it, 

as like as possible to the ones she used to do at school…

 --peter and wendy, j.m. barrie

"when she stopped conforming to the conventional picture of femininity she finally began to enjoy being a woman."

--betty friedan

"i do not believe that the accident of birth makes people sisters and brothers. It makes them siblings. 

Gives them mutuality of parentage. 

Sisterhood and brotherhood are conditions people have to work at. 

It's a serious matter. You compromise, you give, you take, you stand firm, and you're relentless...

 --maya angelou

"the highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose."

 --garrison keillor

"remember how it's always been...you and me against the world...how we always said we could do anything, as long as we did it together?"  --laban seth graves

honestly, it's the only job i've ever done that i felt remotely qualified to do.  that's probably because i was four years old when i took the job, and didn't know i was allowed to doubt my qualifications.  it's a good thing mom and dad didn't wait until i was six to have my brother.  and while i'm sad i didn't get to meet the baby lost between my brother and myself, or the one lost before i was born, i am grateful every single day that my little brother is mine. 

if he hadn't come along, or not been so entirely himself, all the time (even when i sometimes wished he was a sister or a dog or just not so loud and rowdy)...if he hadn't been such a good teacher, such a worthy opponent in damn near everything, i shudder to think what a wreck and ruin i might have become.  everything i know about how to live my life, navigate my life, relate to Jesus...everything i know goes back to being my brother's sister.  it's the job i've had longest.  being that kid's sister, learning how to do it, over the last 30 years, has made me better at everything else i've picked up, from actual jobs to being a girlfriend to working at a church for a wide and varied group of people...everything, everything, all of it goes back to being a sister.  

we have screamed terrible things at each other.  he's the only person i've ever been in a fist-fight with.  we have left marks on each other.  there are stories we would rather not remember.  but when push comes to shove...i know that he backs my play.  

he's the first person i'd draft into my army, if i had to go to war.  he's the person i would trust to broker the peace, once the war was over.  even on days when we don't understand each other, we have a bond that goes all the way to our bones.  nobody but us can ever belong to that club.  and my little brother...that kid could talk the devil into lighting himself on fire.  he's smarter and funnier than i am.  he knows this, but pretends that i'm the smart one.  and on days when i drag ass, or need to laugh, or need to remember the middle of who i am and how i am, my little brother tells me ridiculous jokes and puts my nephews on the phone or has my sister-in-law just laugh into the phone.  he is always teaching me how to be a better sister, holding my best self up to me, reminding me of who i am, of who we are, and where we are going.  

he's the reason my best friends are people i fold into my idea of family--he's the reason for all the brothers from other mothers and sisters from other misters i have spread all over the country.  he's one of the best ways i understand family, and have applied that sense of community, of unconditional love (relationships have conditions...but love does not...remember that...), of intentional focus on honesty and vulnerability, and serious, wild, crazy, unfettered fun.  he's the reason i like having roommates, most of the time.  he's the reason i think farts are hilarious, and don't gag at toilet humor.  he's the reason i never minded having guy roommates.  he's the reason i know i'm not supposed to talk in movies, or during tv shows, or even some commercials.  he's the one who explained football to me, and even though i know how, and can do it myself, he's always willing to bait my fish hook.  

when babylon comes calling, and it does, bidden or not, it's important to know my story.  it's important to know what i'm good at, what perspective i need to call on to get things done.  i have to know what's in my tool box, what's within reach, if it's a solo project, or if i'm going to get some help with the task at hand.  my little brother, my brave and strong and wildly talented little brother, the kid who has given me a thousand nicknames, who pulled the most incredible stunt at my 16th birthday party...he's one of the ways i know G-d has a plan, and that i am loved beyond measure or understanding.  

...my little brother...  he's been the face of Jesus on some hard days, in my world.  both of them, my Brother and my brother, have taught me the best things i know, have taught me a posture for life-- one that makes family out of all of us.  and in this foreign and strange place, this Babylon, living fully and freely and unashamedly into that posture is the way i live to make my life good.  

mil besos,

rmg

be careful what you wish for...

i have a simple philosophy. fill what's empty. empty what's full. and scratch where it itches.

--alice lee roosevelt longworth

all we demanded was our right to twinkle.

--marilyn monroe

'well, I'll eat it,' said alice, 'and if it makes me grow larger, I can reach the key; and if it makes me grow smaller, I can creep under the door; so either way i'll get into the garden, and i don't care which happens!'

--alice, alice's adventures in wonderland

i remember a night, not long ago (maybe a year, maybe less, but definitely before i left san antonio), on the phone with jax, out on my porch, righteously indignant and in tears, yet again.  i don't remember exactly what i was upset about, or maybe i'd had a major session with therapy mary, but i was real.wound.up.  i vividly remember saying to jax, " i really don't even care what happens next, as long as it's something different.  this sameness, this always-winter-and-never-christmas...this, i can't stand much longer." and jackie, wise woman that she is, reminded me, "girl, you best be careful what you wish for." 


 and she was right.  i had best be really, really careful.  and by" best be careful", i mean i  stopped wishing...for anything.  i stopped hoping, for anything.  i caved all the way in, put my head down, and just kept going.  because that's what i do, it's how i knew i was supposed to do it, not because of anything anyone told me, but because of how it felt when i finally stopped being such a cry-baby about how hard it is to be a real grown up and make a life that means something, and freaking acted like a real grown up and realized i had a life that meant something to me, and meant something that was deep and profound, and good, even when it was really, really tough to understand or feel like i was doing anything more than treading water.  and it was absolutely the right thing to do. 


it was hard, not hard like four years of therapy, trying to figure out how to be someone who didn't feel strung out and crazy and like a constant disappointment, and anxious about getting shit right, the first time EVERY TIME, but it was hard.  those four years of work made it not awful, though.  even when all the wheels came off, and there was that scary six weeks of waiting to see if pieces would fall into place, i never considered that something wouldn't work out.  that's the strangest thing, the thing that i've always managed to believe, even before therapy mary, even at the worst moments...i always believed in my heart of hearts that i'd figure it out, that G-d and the universe would hand me what i needed, when i needed it, and i would figure it out.  


and things did change.  everything changed.  and it's still changing.  it never stopped, really...even though it felt like geological ages passed between when things got nuts and when things started to smooth out.  the cool part, the part i didn't imagine, that i didn't even dare to wish for, was at some point, it wouldn't just be me figuring it out, navigating the rivers, looking at the calendar.  and now, it's not just me.  


we figure this out, now. we figure this out. 
that's kind of amazing.  


mil besos,
rmg

no quarter

"we are not interested in the possibilities of defeat; they do not exist."

--Her Majesty Victoria, by the Grace of God, 

of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland Queen, 

Defender of the Faith, 

Empress of India

so live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide. always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. show respect to all people and grovel to none. when you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. if you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision. when it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. sing your death song and die like a hero going home.

--tecumseh

as a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. to make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. to make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives. 


--henry david thoreau

two christmases ago, sitting in st john's with momma, grammy and aunt sue, i heard my buddy ripp preach one of the best sermons i've ever, ever heard.  he related a story about two little boys with two very different world views, one totally pessimistic and jaded, and the other a precious little idealist, living off hope. to sum up... the boys woke up christmas morning, to find a giant pile of horse manure in the middle of their room.  one began immediately to weep and wail and bemoan the mess that he was about to clean up.  the other little guy just lit right up, and exclaimed "i just know this means there's a pony here, somewhere!"  

i felt so challenged by that story, and from the moment i heard it, i clung to it, dug into it like a tick, put my head in the well of this story and drank until i couldn't feel my tongue and throat, anymore.  2011 was a bruiser of a year, but that story kept me focused, because G-d knows there was a TON of shit to shovel in that twelvemonth. and it all smelled really bad.  i mean really bad, like the kind of smell that hits like a brick, and immediately makes you throw up a little bit in the back of your mouth. real graphic, i know.  but i'm making a point here...

i struggle not to be the little kid who wakes up, just looking for something to bitch about, loudly lamenting the poo on the floor.  i so want to be the kid who wakes up and begins to cheerfully clear up the mess, knowing that underneath it, there's something profound and beautiful and unexpected waiting to show it's face.  it's a choice, really--do i wake up and immediately start looking forward to going back to sleep, and just do what i have to do to get through the day, or do i wake up and start shoveling and smile about it, because I KNOW THERE'S A PONY HERE, SOMEWHERE?  i ask myself that question just about every morning when i wake up, and have since i heard that sermon.  and most days, the baby jesus puts a hand on my shoulder, and i pick up a shovel, and we start to work with a smile on our face,knowing that we'll be going for a ride, at some point in the day.  other days, and they don't come around very often (thanks be to G-d...) all i can see/smell/hear/dread is that giant and stinky pile of poo in the middle of the floor of my life.  and that's ok, too.  

those bad days make me miss the other kind so much that i work like hell to avoid them.  being my best self is important to me, to believe that i'm bringing it every.single.day.  but the reality is that i have some days when i am not awesome, when i'm kind of bitchy and neurotic and need approval from EVERYONE about EVERYTHING, because LOOK HOW I'M SHOVELING MY SHIT WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE AND MY 8cm PEARL EARRINGS AND TWIN SET AND EVERYTHING. ADORE MEEEEEEEE.  

it's hard to admit that, internets.  it is HARD to admit that.  but when those days happen, i do my best not to ignore them, to make them count, even when i'd rather just punch out and go home, and pull the covers over my head, and start over in the morning.  because we don't get re-do's.  there are no make-up pictures.  this final is cumulative.  there is no parlay.  there is no time-out.  and i don't have the time to waste whining or wishing away any part of any day i wake up alive, on the green side of the grass.  we're working on a clock here, people...tick-tock.  

the stakes for this game of choices are incredibly high, because it's not about ponies or poo or really good sermons, or that cute shirt i keep waiting to go on sale.  it's about this life, about choosing to see as many sides to an issue as i can, and to do my dead-level best to find a way to celebrate the good angles.  it's not about being pollyanna and constantly running the sunshine hose up people's...noses. it's choosing not to get stuck in believing all i'm doing is shoveling shit, waiting for shoes to drop, listening to whether the phone sounds ominous when it rings, etc.  it's choosing to be grateful, even in the face of the unknown, and to be confident in the face of the unknowable.  it's having the stones to be like moses, and stand with my face unveiled, just to glance at the glory of G-d's back.  and that is worth everything. it's worth being different over, worth being misunderstood by people who don't get it or think i'm just a little bit silly about my approach to how i do life.  it's worth knowing that G-d takes no prisoners, that i will be annihilated by love and grace and mercy... that picking up that shovel and getting to work and singing at the top of my lungs while i shovel, instead of wailing and gnashing my teeth, makes all the difference.  

mil besos,

rmg

refuse to fall down.

if you cannot refuse to fall down,

refuse to stay down.

if you cannot refuse to stay down

lift your heart toward heaven

and like a hungry beggar,

ask that it be filled,

and it will be filled.

you may be pushed down.

you may be kept from rising.

but no one can keep you from lifting

your heart toward heaven — only you.

it is in the middle of misery that

so much becomes clear.

the one who says nothing good came of this,

is not yet listening.

--clarissa pinkola estes

throw down your arms...

**from the American Heritage Dictionary:

rad·i·cal

adj.

1. Arising from or going to a root or source; basic:proposed a radical solution to the problem.

2. Departing markedly from the usual or customary; extreme or drastic:a radical change in diet.

3. Relating to or advocating fundamental or revolutionary changes in current practices, conditions, or institutions:radical politics; a radical political theorist.

4. Medicine Relating to or being surgery that is extreme or drastic in an effort to eradicate all existing or potential disease:radical hysterectomy.

5. Linguistics Of or being a root:a radical form.

6. Botany

a. Of, relating to, or arising from a root:radical hairs.

b. Arising from the base of a stem or from a below-ground stem or rhizome:radical leaves.

7. Slang Excellent; wonderful.

n.

1. One who advocates fundamental or revolutionary changes in current practices, conditions, or institutions:radicals seeking to overthrow the social order.

ac·cep·tance n. 1. The act or process of accepting. 2. The state of being accepted or acceptable. 3. Favorable reception; approval. 4. Belief in something; agreement. 5. a. A formal indication by a debtor of willingness to pay a draft or bill of exchange. b. An instrument so accepted, especially a bankers' acceptance. 6. Law The demonstration of agreement with the terms and conditions of another's offer so that the offer becomes a contract between the two parties.