geeze oh man

i just got a picture cd from my last mission trip. while i am not, and never have been, a fan of my own photograph, i have to say that the pictures of me on this particular trip were particularly unflattering. seriously, i look like the wrath of G-d almighty. in every picture, i either look like i'm about to beat the holy hell out of someone, or die of exhaustion. and i had a huge zit that week. the one good picture is of me in pigtails. and i have on sunglasses. and you can see all my worry lines. blah.

however, the photos got me to thinking. thinking about how tired i was in july. every day felt like i was getting up to run a marathon, and in a way, i was. there are moments when i miss my job, miss my kids, even miss the frenzy of my old life. and then i remember the nights i didn't sleep because some kid had confided some secret in me that had broken my heart for them. i remember the panic attack i had at then end of march, and how scared i was that i was really working myself to death, and the realization that i didn't want to die in my bed alone. i remember how scared i was that my heart was racing, and no matter what i thought about, i couldn't make it slow down. those were long nights, and they made for long days.

granted those days were buffered by wonderful collegues and friends. they were buffered by my family and my nearest and dearest. they were buffered by the hand of a merciful and gracious G-d. for that, i am greatful and happy just to wake up everyday and know that that part of my race has been run, and that i did the best job i could do.

lately, i've been trying to write and take good pictures. i've been hanging out with the sweet baby a, and his crazy brother critter j, and it's incredible. there are days when i wonder what is next, what it is that i'm supposed to be doing for the next part of the journey. i said a few posts ago that i thought the preparation was going to have to entail shedding some things, and i still believe that. what i'm trying to figure out is how to shed and get rid of things without loosing myself in the process. i feel like i'm just starting to get a grip on myself again. and maybe that's the key--letting go entirely.

i don't mean going off hermit-style and renouncing my life to gain enlightenment. at least, i don't think i mean that. i don't mean getting all philisophical and starting to talk in abstract nihilistic metaphors. i guess i mean really learning how things work, how i work, and coming to an acceptance about that. i live in this bizarro world where i believe that if everyone could sit down and listen to each other, maybe things wouldn't be in such a muddle. i stress myself out wondering how to mediate conflict, how to get my point across, how to see the other person's point and not condescend or be defensive. maybe it's time i woke up and realized that some conflicts will just rage, regardless of what i think about it, no matter who or what is involved. maybe it's time i woke up to the fact that there is no magic word, no amount of begging G-d, no amount of breast-beating that will teach me who i am and what i'm supposed to be. maybe it's time to let go of answers, and just embrace the questions.

when i used to go to camp as a little girl, we sang a lot of songs. we sang songs on the way to the beach, on the way to the wildlife refuge, on the way to the dining hall, and always in chapel. the other day, on my way home after a long, long, long day, a snatch of a song came flying back at me with such force and clarity that i almost cried. i could smell the sunblock, the sand residue, the bug repelent, and the carpet in the chapel, and i could hear my 12 year old self singing my guts out--"Jesus said, 'I am the light of the world. You people come and follow me. If you follow and love, you'll learn the mystery of what you were meant to do and be'".

i sang that song 100 times at camp, maybe even more, and i believed it every stinking time i sang it. i want to sing that song everyday and believe it everytime i sing it. i want that. i want to sing it and believe it, even though now i know much more than i did when i was 12. i want to remember that G-d takes care of the birds and the flowers, so G-d will take care of me. i want to remember that my life is a prayer, my work is worship, and that i live in the hands of a mighty and loving G-d, so there's nothing really to trouble myself over, in the long run. i want to remember how to do that, and still maintain my edge. see what i mean about letting go? i don't want to do without either of those things, but i know that they can't coexist, or maybe they can. like in college, when i reconciled my ideas about creationism with evolution. or when i reconciled my understanding of human reproduction with the virgin birth. i just don't know. all i do know is that i had just as many questions as my 12 year old self as i do now, they were just simpler questions, then.

that's all, really. just me, rambling and checking in. hope all is well where ever you may find yourself today/tonight.

mil besos--rmg