on extremes...

"Dear God,

Deliver me to my passion.
Deliver me to my brilliance.
Deliver me to my intelligence.
Deliver me to my depth.
Deliver me to my nobility.
Deliver me to my beauty.
Deliver me to my power to heal.
Deliver me to You."

--marianne williamson


before i read this prayer, i never thought about praying to God to deliver me to the things i was already good at, the things in which i took great pride. i always imagined a more worthy prayer would be the one to deliver me from my efficicacy, my gut reactions, my "best" intentions. but i read this prayer one day, and immediately knew that God made me with those things inside me, setting a steady pulse inside my brain that cannot be ignored. so why not deliver me to the best things inside myself? why not pray for that? why not celebrate that? why be apologetic about any of it? i liked it so much that i printed it out and pasted it into the front of my daily planner.

i've struggled with myself for a long time over my tendancy to find myself in extreme situations. i'll be the first person to admit that i am probably an adrinaline junky. i like being useful in situations. i like being the one to make the assessment and call the shots. i don't just like it. i freaking love it. and most of the time, i'm right on the money, and hit all my marks. but i know that i won't always be right. i know that even when i am right, there are situations that i can't fix. in fact, 99.9% of the situations i run across in my job, i can't fix, not with a check or a prayer, or shared tears. the best i can do is band-aid things, hold some hands, make some calls, and pray that God's grace continues to be big enough to fill in the gaps.

i feel like i'm coming to a point where i don't have to hold back anymore. a point where i can be confident, and speak with some authority, but not be cocky. i'm realizing that a) there's nothing wrong with knowing what to do and b) there's nothing wrong with NOT knowing what to do. the knowledge or ignorance of the decision comes from the same place in my heart, i think. maybe that's the increasing sleep deficit talking, but whatever.

we are products of extremes-- life and death, love and indifference, joy and pain, black/white/shades of gray, peace and fear. i feel like i'm in that mix 24/7. and even though there are days like today where i am tired in my bones, don't want to go work out or meet people for drinks, don't want to be in my office for 48 hours, i wouldn't trade it for anything. i have been delivered into my passion, into my calling, into a life i wanted, but didn't know how to ask for. my cup runneth over, and i am drinking like a bedouin after a long desert journey. thanks be to God.

mil besos--rmg