christmas songs

it's monday. i am trying to not do as much work as possible today, because i know the next week is going to be insane, and i'm trying to conserve energy. it's not as slack-tastic as i'm making it sound. i am doing my transportation report. and i'm working on two calendars for old people who need rides to church. and i'm making appointments for christmas communion. i'm just not going anywhere today. and i'm pretty sure that if i don't iron clothes tonight, there's a high probability that i will end up teaching chapel in my sock monkey pajamas tomorrow morning.

so, this close to the end of the year, everyone makes lists about favorite christmas movies, favorite christmas gifts, etc. this year, i'm hopping on the band-wagon to bring you my favorite non-religious christmas songs. don't get me wrong, i LOVE the religious christmas songs (i am epsicopalian, for heaven's sake, we even sing advent carols...), but the non-religious ones are some of my favorites. there are also some non-christmas songs on the list, which i'll explain. i'm feeling chatty today. deal with it. you people live for this stuff.

1) war is over--john lennon and yoko ono. this is absolutely my favorite christmas-time song. it's wonderful. it makes me happy. i will roll down the windows, crank up the heater, and sing at the top of my lungs. the celine dion version, however, makes me want to punch through my eardrums with an icepick and drip lemon juice into the festering hole.

2) all that i want--the weepies. LOVE THIS SONG. yes, i realize it's the jingle from the jc penney's commercial. i could care less. this is one of my favorite i-tunes purchases. it's so, so, so pretty. and i like to believe that one day, i will know what that song means. aww.

3) go places--the new pornographers. this is a great song for any season, but it's a waltz, and that makes it automatically christmassy, to me.

4) river--joni mitchell. the ultimate break-up song, featuring a christmas theme, and it always makes me think of "love actually", even though this song was not featured in the soundtrack. this is a wonderful song, no matter who is singing it--indigo girls or sarah mclaughlin. it's beautiful, and haunting, and it just hurts so good.

5) long december-- counting crows. haunting melody, haunting lyrics. adam duritz makes me a little bit weak-kneed, i'll admit. i'm a sucker for a man in dreadlocks. i like this song, a lot, because in spite of the maudlin tone, it's actually quite hopeful. and after all, isn't that what christmas is all about--hope?

6) babylon--david gray. i bought this cd the christmas i lived in washington, dc. every time i hear this song, i remember the smell of snow, and going downtown to pick out presents to bring home to my family. and i remember how happy i was to be going home.

7) good king wenceslas--i know it's technically a church song, but I LOVE THIS SONG. and if you sing it with a lisp, kind of loud and obnoxious on an airplane, your mother will laugh so hard that she could possibly loose bladder control. your brother might laugh til he cries. and the other passengers will look at you, and wonder how such a pretty face could belie such an empty head and whether or not you might have a shot at getting married to corky, from "life goes on".

8) santa baby--the eartha kitt version. my little tiny nephew knows some of the words to this one, and i think that's about the coolest thing i've ever heard in my life. he's a genius. he can now also sing "happy birthday" to the baby Jesus. he's the smartest kid in the world.

9) baby, it's cold outside--sarah vaughn and louis armstrong. i could listen to this song on repeat for at least a day and a half. i have fond memories of driving from austin to my mom's house, singing this song at the top of my lungs. there are some wonderful harmonies in this version. and anything by louis armstrong is cooler than cat pants.

10) have yourself a merry little christmas--james taylor. if the soundtrack to my childhood had to be sung by one person, james taylor would be the voice. i freaking love james taylor, but not in a scary stalking kind of way.

here are some songs that i will immediately change the station to avoid...

1) jingle bell rock. i HATE this song. my dislike for this song rivals my dislike of misogyny, xenophobia, hate crimes, and crushing poverty.

2) any and every christmas song ever covered by celine dion. i will throw up if i have to listen to more than 15 seconds of any given song. this is a proven fact. if you don't believe me, come over and i'll show you.

3) the little drummer boy. pa-rum-pah-pum-pum is an onomatopoeia that should never be sung by the human voice. it's a nice song, in theory. but i hate it. a lot. and the grace jones version scares the poop out of me.

4) i saw mommy kissing santa claus--this song is disturbing for a lot of reasons. but robert knox put it best when he said,-- "Apparently this kid is used to seeing his whore of a mother liplocked with another man. "Oh, what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night." These are the lyrics. What a laugh it would have been?! Hey kid! What a laugh it would've been to spend Christmas day at an orphanage wiping the remnants of a murder/suicide off your stocking! "-- too true mr. knox, too true.

5) jingle bells--barbra striesdand. while i will admit that babs is a guilty pleasure of mine (right up there with whitney houston, pre-crack out), this song is just awful. and i hate it when she sings it super-fast. it makes my heart beat really loudly in my ears, and i just know that at any moment, my head is going to explode in a cloud of confetti and candy, just like those christmas cracker things from england. ugh.

6) feliz navidad--jose feliciano. i know, i live in san antonio. i should love this song. the truth is, i can't stand this song. it's nasally. it's piped into every grocery store for a 1000 mile radius and plays 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. the accordion part is the real kicker for me. unless i'm listening to klezmer music (and wouldn't those be Hannukah caroles, anyway?), or doing the Santa Claus polka at Wurstfest, i want nothing to do with mixing christmas and accordions. not to mention that this song is so freaking ingrained in the subconscious of almost every single person i know, no one can keep from humming it or singing along quietly everytime they hear it. it's awesomely bad.

7) hard candy christmas--dolly parton. seriously? this song is part of the soundtrack to "the best little whorehouse in texas". should we be playing a song like this during the season of the birth of the Baby Jesus? it's from a movie with the word "whore" right in the title...and it's awful.

8) the 12 days of christmas--i realize that there are 12 days in the christmas season. i send my lazy christmas email instead of christmas cards during these 12 days. they save my bacon every year. but i hate this song. the only version i have ever liked was on my "john denver and the muppets sing christmas" cassette tape, which i would give my right big toe to have, again. it was awesome. otherwise, this song is like playing monopoly--it never freaking ends well. and when it's over, you wonder what happened to that two hours of your life, and try to reconcile the fact that you will never, ever get them back.

9) i'll be home for christmas--this is the MOST DEPRESSING SONG, ever. i feel like i need to go take an anti-depressant just thinking about it.

10) carol of the bells-- another song that just goes really, really fast and makes me nervous because i can't always understand all the words. this song makes me feel like i've had a venti latte with an extra four shots, seriously. i am getting a scary buzz just thinking about it. i feel bad about not liking this song, because it's got such a nice melody, and it's very difficult to sing. but it creeps me out. like there might be a bunch of scary elves with candle flashlights chasing me through target singing this song, and if i don't find the right paper to wrap presents in, they are going to turn me into a doll with big buggy eyes. scary. creepy. awful.

if i don't get back to work, the elves might come get me, anyway.

mil besos-rmg