unloading

i'm dumping my apartment tomorrow. i am so relieved. seriously, this is a huge step, and i'm so glad things have worked out, up to this point. i surely didn't want to pay rent on some place i was no longer living. it was a good apartment, and i'll miss it a little. but it's time for it to belong to someone else. btw, craiglist is amazing. i highly recommend them for unloading stuff, and to peruse job opportunities.

i'm slightly less tired than i was two weeks ago, and am feeling more and more like myself, again. and those horrid lines on my forehead are growing a bit more faint, thank God for small favors, huh? and i feel a bit more relaxed. it's good to not be a total wack-job, anymore. the further i get away from my former situation, the more sure i am that i did the right thing. i mean, i miss the kids, who are still calling me to say hello and keep me updated on their drama. that's nice.

in a not so nice section of this week, i was horribly disappointed in a person whom i had placed a fair deal of trust. it occured to me, as i was crying, screaming, and trying not to swear on the phone with this person, that dante was right to put traitors in the lowest circle of hell. geeze oh man, what a mess. it's also taught me that, while i am usually a pretty good judge of character, there are those for whom loyalty means nothing compared to their own selfish interest. it will be a long time, and maybe ever before i speak to this person again. and while there is a measure of forgiveness that i am willing to offer, that time is not now, and i will never forget this situation.

forgetting, in my opinion, is not part of forgiveness, which is a two way street. when you forgive someone, you become a partner in their life, and must be willing to hold that person accountable for their actions, which isn't to say that you are responsible for constantly bulldogging that person. it's a fine line. but there is a big fat line between being someone's friend and confidante and being what amounts to a horrid a-hole. that line was most definately crossed. it's been a long time since i've been this angry at anyone, it's been a long time since i've yelled at anyone on the phone. and i can't tell you the last time i was willfully betrayed. it makes me want to cry and throw up and call that person just to hang up. hang up like how you can only do on a real phone--slam it into the wall and then pick it up and slam it again. there is no point to hanging up a flip phone with any kind of vehemence. blah.

so, long story short, and this one is surely a cautionary tale, guard your friendship cards, and if you have a friendship card, freaking protect it like it's your own beating heart. seriously. because good friendships are hard to find, hard to maintain, and who wants to cash in all that work and all those memories? those who are willing to put their own wants and needs above their friends, in the way that this person performed, are the reason that so many superficial realtionships exist, and the reason that so many people of faith, especially in my age bracket, take being "right" over being "righteous". for myself, i have no need and no desire for superficiality, in life or in friends. but it still sucks, and it still hurts.

sorry for the downer, it's just kind of where my head is right now. that's about all i have to report. hope all is well on the other end of this thing. life is still good, because it's real and messy, and sometimes, it hurts like hell, but it's mine, and it's the only one i've got. but i'll take hurting like hell because i invite people into my universe over stearing this ship of life on my own any day of the week. like goethe says, "nothing is worth more than this day".

mil besos--r