back in the saddle

geeze louise. it's hard to believe this summer really happened. it's like i stepped out of camp and right back into life before may 27th. it's not like that, that's exactly what happened. and i'm mostly ok with that, for now. sort of.

i still have no idea what i want to be, or do, etc. but i have started circulating my resume around, and am scouring craigslist and the statesman frantically searching for something i might be qualified to do that might also accidentally pay some bills. cross your fingers and light those candles. i need all the help i can get, at this point. top that off with getting an ear infection for the first time in about 20 years, and you can imagine that this week has been a little on the frustrating side of life. but i will live.

it's amazing to think that ten years ago, i was starting my senior year in high school. all that is behind me was before me, and i had not the slightest clue about anything. i remember feeling like 18 was so old and so worldly. staring down the proverbial barrel of 28, i look at 18 year olds and envy them a little of their innocence and wonderment, and false sense of maturity. honey, what i didn't know then could have filled a book. still could, if the truth be told. but it's so funny to me that it didn't feel that way at all. maybe i've been watching too many felicity re-runs to be making any sense at all.

i have got to stop watching that show--it's of the devil, i swear. it's just so charming, so mind-numbing, and it comes on back to back every afternoon. damn you, time warner cable and the we network, damn you straight to hell and back. just don't change up your programming schedule until we get to the end of season 4, ok?

i guess what really bothers me about all this angst concerning jobs and living spaces and 401k's and relationships, etc. is that i keep wondering when people are going to stop being patient with me about all of it. when do i finally get the big talk about fishing or cutting bait? i know i've given it to myself about 10 thousand times, but i still come up with a new plan every six months, but nothing seems to stick. maybe that means that i really am one of those vagabond people who are just going to drift from random thing to random thing, and die without ever having a real career or doing something solid for 20 years, and getting a nice watch and a plaque with my name on it. maybe it means that i haven't looked in the right corner yet, that i'm still searching out the thing i'm supposed to do. i wish i could get paid to write this thing, because i'd sure as hell update it alot more than i do, and i would use spellcheck much more faithfully. anyway, it's past my bedtime, and since baby a has got to be on the bus at 6:50am tomorrow morning, and i'm finally settling into reading "on the road" for about the 40-eleventh time, and am determined to finish it, by hook or by crook, i'll shut this rambler down.

if you have the chance, i highly suggest picking up the new issue of rolling stone magazine. bob dylan is on the cover, and that should be enough inducement for anyone.

mil besos--rmg

post card from the edge, vol. 7, or how i came home

"We die to each other daily.
What we know of other people
Is only our memory of the moments
During which we knew them.
And they have changed since then.
To pretend that they and we are the same
Is a useful and convenient social convention
Which must sometimes broken.
We must also remember
That at every meeting we are meeting a stranger." --ts eliot

i am coming home. in 26 hours, i will be finished with this job. it has been the hardest job of my life. and in the final analysis, i think i am most proud of this job. i can honestly say that i have nothing left to give of myself--not any more emotion, or thought, or effort. i am empty. and it feels good to know that. there has been room made for something else to fill me up. i have no idea what that something is, but i think for the first time in a long time, and maybe ever, i am ready to move onto something new. this experience closes a chapter in my life that has been a long time coming. blessed be.

i feel like i've sloughed off something of the old me, and i can't put my finger on it. i feel like i'm more confindent and more dependent and more vulnerable and stronger and more gentle than i have been in years. i feel like this is the real me, like maybe a lot of things before today and tomorrow and the next day were just practice. like now i'm ready to do real work, to be a real person, to really invest and jump into whatever my life is becoming, and stop holding back. it feels so good to just say that. to know that there is a point at which i can just jump, and know that i will be held, caught, and celebrated.

sometimes, when beauty and encouragment and knowledge and wisdom are right in front of you, you just miss it. so, mommy and momma cat and aunt nea and uncle ed, granny, papaw, seth, monica, will, esteban, caro, moo, and all the rest of you who love me and have been beating these lessons into my head for years-- i finally got it. this is life out loud. and i am turning the volume up. thanks be to God. i can't wait to see your faces, all your faces.

mil besos--rmg

post card from the edge, vol. 6

it's been a long hot week at camp crazy. in fact, it's so hot that the snakes are crawling into the oddest of places to find refuge. i had to close our river front today. kind of made me a little sad to know that the river is closed for the rest of the summer, even though that's only 8 more days. 8 more days, friends and neighbors, and then i come home to do whatever it is that i'm supposed to do next. i'm so excited and nervous, and a little sad that the last three months have just flown by.

let me break this week down for you in the simplest of terms. i'll just do what my 7th grade history teacher called "hit the high spots".

1) my staff and i beat the hell out of the girl scouts, who have a camp down the road from us and were dumb enough to challenge us to a flag football game. we skunked them, proving once again that jesus saves, and girl scout cookies just make you fat. it was glorious. and my mom and grammy showed up to cheer us on, which i was particularly happy about. i just stopped being sore all over my body from where the scary girls hit me, over and over and over, because cheating was the only way they were going to win. ha ha. it was amazing.

2) two of my kitchen staff boys were stupid enough to put a roasted pig head in my toilet. upon discovering it, i screamed like a little girl, and utterly queened out. my friend jackie had to get it out for me, because i started gagging, and sarah made fun of me for screaming like a girl. it was awful.

3) in retribution for the pig head, i completed the greatest prank of my life, so far. i made jello in their toilet, and covered their bathroom floor in shaving cream. i had help, but it was my idea about the jello. this cannot be overstated. i made real, congealed jello in the toilet. i am so freaking proud of this. i might not be as proud of my child, if i have one, as i am of this prank, because it was genius. and i got to use dry ice. this proves, once again, that revenge is a dish best served cold. and 18 year olds were made to be stupid, and i've already assumed that i am going to be re-pranked, and have hatched a plan for my re-prank, as well. i'll keep you posted. it'll be hard to beat the jello, though.

4) i have convinced several small children of the existance of bulligators, a carry over from my childhood. my poppy convinced me that a bulligator lived in the ill-fated basement in the house i grew up in. a bulligator is a cross between a bulldog and an alligator, and it will bite your face off. it keeps them out of scary places. they love it. i heard someone talking about their pet bulligator today, and i rubbed my hands together, content that my plan to take over the universe is, in fact, working.

life is good. pray for rain.

mil besos--rmg