post card from the edge, vol. 7, or how i came home

"We die to each other daily.
What we know of other people
Is only our memory of the moments
During which we knew them.
And they have changed since then.
To pretend that they and we are the same
Is a useful and convenient social convention
Which must sometimes broken.
We must also remember
That at every meeting we are meeting a stranger." --ts eliot

i am coming home. in 26 hours, i will be finished with this job. it has been the hardest job of my life. and in the final analysis, i think i am most proud of this job. i can honestly say that i have nothing left to give of myself--not any more emotion, or thought, or effort. i am empty. and it feels good to know that. there has been room made for something else to fill me up. i have no idea what that something is, but i think for the first time in a long time, and maybe ever, i am ready to move onto something new. this experience closes a chapter in my life that has been a long time coming. blessed be.

i feel like i've sloughed off something of the old me, and i can't put my finger on it. i feel like i'm more confindent and more dependent and more vulnerable and stronger and more gentle than i have been in years. i feel like this is the real me, like maybe a lot of things before today and tomorrow and the next day were just practice. like now i'm ready to do real work, to be a real person, to really invest and jump into whatever my life is becoming, and stop holding back. it feels so good to just say that. to know that there is a point at which i can just jump, and know that i will be held, caught, and celebrated.

sometimes, when beauty and encouragment and knowledge and wisdom are right in front of you, you just miss it. so, mommy and momma cat and aunt nea and uncle ed, granny, papaw, seth, monica, will, esteban, caro, moo, and all the rest of you who love me and have been beating these lessons into my head for years-- i finally got it. this is life out loud. and i am turning the volume up. thanks be to God. i can't wait to see your faces, all your faces.

mil besos--rmg