to write love on her arms...

man, what a day. if i could ask God one question, it would be this, "why do people have children if they aren't going to love and take care of them?". i don't understand why people bring children into the world, and leave them to take care of themselves. neglect is horrible, just as bad as abuse. i mean, what's worse--being ignored, or getting kicked around just for existing? same shit, different dress, if you ask me. i can't imagine ignoring my hypothetical children, or not fighting tooth and nail for them to have a happy childhood, or a healthy mind/body. i don't understand people who seem to have children out of some sick need to conform to society, and then just spend the next 18 years of that child's life ignoring them, farming them out to other grown-ups, abusing and neglecting them either physically or emotionally to the point that they may never be able to get well.

i think about having kids. i think about how much i want them in my life, how much i want to teach them to do things, show them the wonders of the world that i have seen, and watch them make discoveries of their own. i can't imagine with-holding affection from them, raising a hand to them in anger, treating them as less than valuable people, making fun of their ambitions or their limitations, or blaming them for being depressed, or anxious, or even just acting like teenagers. i konw that sounds lofty, because i don't have kids. and i know you can never underestimate the value of a visceral experience. but God help me if i would do any of that on purpose. or ignore someone telling me that my child was in danger, and that i better wake up.

i remember lessons i learned in high school about people who didn't pay attention to their sick child, and wanted to pretend that everything was fine. i never imagined i would see that re-inforced in my adult life, and still feel like my hands were just as tied as they were when i was 17. i don't want to go to a funeral that could be prevented. i understand that depression and self-injury are sometimes terminal diseases, i get that. but things don't have to be that way for the child in question. it's so hard for me to know that i have done everything i can do, and that this situation isn't any better. there's no quick fix. i'm not the police, or the doctor, or the parent, or the therapist. i have pushed as hard and as far as i can. and nothing has changed. not a damn thing. i cannot love this child enough to make her well. i can't tell her how special she is, or that things are going to get better, or that she's not going to be sick forever any more times than i already have and have her believe me. all i can do at the end of the day is to put her at the feet of Jesus, and hope that she can find some rest there. today was a hard day.

if you have some time, google "to write love on her arms". it's a powerful story. and it's beautiful. hope is sometimes a hard thing to find, but i know it's there, it's there and it's abundant, and it belongs to all of us.

mil besos--rmg