the heart of the matter

you guys...you know those days when you wake up, and you know exactly where you are? yeah, this is not that day, at all. and i don't mean i woke up in some strange bed, or anything. i mean metaphorically, i don't know exactly where i am, in this one little facet of my life. shit, you guys...i can't believe i'm even saying this out loud, again...i'm reasonably sure i'm in the friendzone with this dude who i really don't want to be in the friendzone with.

i seriously do not want to be in the friendzone with this guy. we'll call him "the turk", as in the "young turk", but we'll omit the young part, because it makes me feel less old. i have to tell you, he came from out of nowhere, from left field, from the furthest part of my periphery, like a bolt of strange lightening. and i have no idea what to do about any of that. i like talking to him, and i seem to talk to him a lot, pretty much every day. i catch myself wondering what he would think about things, what he would see if he looked at the same thing i was looking at. i haven't wondered that about a guy in a long time. and that makes me excited, nervous, giggly, and nauseated...all at the same time.

i feel like this situation is reaching critical mass, you guys. like i'm going to have to say something, or things are going to slide into the friendzone, permanently. i always end up there...because i am so effing friendly. but i can't go there with him. i don't want to be his friend, although i think we are good friends. sometimes, i hate this part of being a grown up, of living here, of refusing to deal with extraneous bullshit, because, Lord knows, we have a gracious plenty to deal with in just regular life. and yes, there are a thousand reasons to just walk by this, to avoid the conversation, to go gently into the good night of platonic male-female friendship. but i have enough male friends. i have my dudes, my brothers, genetic and otherwise. and i have enough other shit going on in my real life...i could slide right by this little blip on the radar screen, and avoid it, all together. there is enough going on that no one, least of all myself, would blame me for not having the conversation, not saying the words, not telling the whole truth, as i know it.

and then, there's the fact that it would be long distance, for a while. complication after complication after complication...a laundry list of caveats...a litany of risks...and those stupid, nagging little snatches of dreams that wake me up in the morning, leaving my head full of cobwebs and bunny trails for the whole rest of the day.

it's a huge risk to tell your secrets to other people. sometimes, the payoff is an emotional glass of champagne, and other times, it's a bottle of bourbon in a weeping bath. at the end of the day, i suppose i have to go back to the mantra of Lenten discipline: confession is good for the soul. and i know that even though there is a Good Friday for every single little life inside all the lives we live, there is always Always ALWAYS an Easter Sunday. and that makes this, at least a little bit, kind of joyful.

and so, if you're reading this, whoever you are...people i love, people i know, people who i have never heard of and will likely never meet, strange interweb people out for a virtual stroll...light me a candle, say me a prayer. i say thankee, big-big.

mil besos,
rmg

so much to say, but not really...

i feel like i could write a blog post the length of "war and peace". but...every time i sit down to actually write, i can't figure out how to say a single thing.

my brain is very full, at the moment. not all in a bad way, just very full. very.full.

mil besos,
rmg

...in the strangest of places...

i don't have cable. shocker, right? the choice isn't really about being socially aware, etc. it's mostly about being cheap. cable/interweb is about $80 a month, and frankly, when you live in a one-income household, $80 can be a lot of money. consequently, when i do watch tv, it's usually pbs. i also have a terrible habit of watching movies over and over again. the other night, this actually paid off.

i was sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor, in some strange yoga pose, stretching my way through the end credits of "drop dead gorgeous" when this catchy little tune started playing. i must have rewound the dvd thirty times in a row, just to hear this song...not even the whole song, but the line that said, "why does this love always have to come to words?"

i mean, that's probably one of the most profound questions/statements i've ever heard, about anything. think about it...how many times do you find yourself motivated to speech or action out of love? i think we'd all be suprised to find out that we are motivated, activated, and empowered by love more often than any of us would like to admit. granted, that love can often be colored by less-than-honorable intentions...but when love is the primary motivator, incredible things can happen.

i've been re-reading "a brief history of time" by stephen hawking. aside from making me feel slightly learning impaired, this book makes me believe in a G-d that is so big, i almost lose my breath thinking about it. i don't think there's any way to view the space/time continuum, general reltivity, the awesome structure and fuction of dark matter, and the idea of the universe in constant motion without being open to the idea of a higher intelligence behind it.

i'm talking about a G-d that is bigger than any book, idea, word, savior, dogma, battle, war, manifesto, etc. i'm talking about a big G-d...REAL BIG. i'm talking about a G-d who loves out loud, who never lets the love be silent. i'm talking about a G-d so moved by love that the very sound of that love, the exhalation of that word/thought/state/feeling/emotion/action can still be heard from the deepest, furthest, darkest, and most mysterious places in the universe.

i'm talking about a macro love that designs the universe and organizes it in such incredibly small and minute detail that even super-computers can't count all the decimal places. i'm talking about a micro-love that changes our little lives, our businesses, our homes, our families, and our broken and wasted hearts. (and yes, that's a love i understand in the incarnation of G-d in Jesus)...i'm talking about a love that cannot be silent, that screams and hollers and sings at the top of it's lungs for right relationship.

i'm talking about a love that lays down beside us, in the quiet and dark of night, and brushes the hair back from our face, flips the pillow to the cool side, and holds us until we can sleep, again. i'm talking about a love that is compelled to be spoken, whether it's a whisper or a shriek.

"why does this love always have to come to words?"

if it's not out loud, how to do we know what love sounds like?

mil besos,

rmg

flashcards

i gave a talk this weekend, at a retreat. i talked about how G-d talks to me, about how it's almost always in flashcard form, a word or two starkly inked into the material of my heart and my head in something far more indelible, but as recognizeable as sharpie marker. i love sharpie markers, you guys. seriously. i always have one in my purse, and one on my desk. always black. there is nothing more satisfying than writing with a sharpie marker...it's permanent, it's big, it's bold, it means business, even if it's a love letter or a smiley face. sharpie markers are ON PURPOSE. you never accidentally write with a sharpie. so it is with my flashcards from G-d. the flashcards in the deck i've been made privy to say some of these words: *faithful*obedient*encourage*intentional*fully present*window*...and a weird one that's a phrase...*you'll know it when you see it*. and you guys...i have been seeing some things...good things...hopeful things...hard things...and every where, every place i rest my eyes, or my head, or my heart, it's all so full of love and grace and mercy, i can't believe i was ever blind to this. it's never going to be easy, living into this broken and dying world. it will always be a struggle to make peace with the breach between the already and the not-yet of the kingdom of G-d. nothing in this life will be easy, even the things that look or feel easy aren't really...and that's just the beauty and the blessing of it. i think i understand a part of what all those ridiculous bumper stickers and posters from college said about the journey being the destination. and i want to sharpie that all over everything. mil besos, rmg