you guys...you know those days when you wake up, and you know exactly where you are? yeah, this is not that day, at all. and i don't mean i woke up in some strange bed, or anything. i mean metaphorically, i don't know exactly where i am, in this one little facet of my life. shit, you guys...i can't believe i'm even saying this out loud, again...i'm reasonably sure i'm in the friendzone with this dude who i really don't want to be in the friendzone with.
i seriously do not want to be in the friendzone with this guy. we'll call him "the turk", as in the "young turk", but we'll omit the young part, because it makes me feel less old. i have to tell you, he came from out of nowhere, from left field, from the furthest part of my periphery, like a bolt of strange lightening. and i have no idea what to do about any of that. i like talking to him, and i seem to talk to him a lot, pretty much every day. i catch myself wondering what he would think about things, what he would see if he looked at the same thing i was looking at. i haven't wondered that about a guy in a long time. and that makes me excited, nervous, giggly, and nauseated...all at the same time.
i feel like this situation is reaching critical mass, you guys. like i'm going to have to say something, or things are going to slide into the friendzone, permanently. i always end up there...because i am so effing friendly. but i can't go there with him. i don't want to be his friend, although i think we are good friends. sometimes, i hate this part of being a grown up, of living here, of refusing to deal with extraneous bullshit, because, Lord knows, we have a gracious plenty to deal with in just regular life. and yes, there are a thousand reasons to just walk by this, to avoid the conversation, to go gently into the good night of platonic male-female friendship. but i have enough male friends. i have my dudes, my brothers, genetic and otherwise. and i have enough other shit going on in my real life...i could slide right by this little blip on the radar screen, and avoid it, all together. there is enough going on that no one, least of all myself, would blame me for not having the conversation, not saying the words, not telling the whole truth, as i know it.
and then, there's the fact that it would be long distance, for a while. complication after complication after complication...a laundry list of caveats...a litany of risks...and those stupid, nagging little snatches of dreams that wake me up in the morning, leaving my head full of cobwebs and bunny trails for the whole rest of the day.
it's a huge risk to tell your secrets to other people. sometimes, the payoff is an emotional glass of champagne, and other times, it's a bottle of bourbon in a weeping bath. at the end of the day, i suppose i have to go back to the mantra of Lenten discipline: confession is good for the soul. and i know that even though there is a Good Friday for every single little life inside all the lives we live, there is always Always ALWAYS an Easter Sunday. and that makes this, at least a little bit, kind of joyful.
and so, if you're reading this, whoever you are...people i love, people i know, people who i have never heard of and will likely never meet, strange interweb people out for a virtual stroll...light me a candle, say me a prayer. i say thankee, big-big.
mil besos,
rmg
1 comment:
Take the chance and say something. And do it sooner rather than later. No matter what the response is, you'll be glad you did in the end.
I made the mistake of not saying anything in a very similar situation, and because of my fear and her death, I have to live with that regret. The pain of her loss I could deal with, but the regret of not telling her how I felt was almost unbearable.
You are a really cool chica, and however this works out, you will still be a really cool chica. And I believe that God has someone there for you, if you are brave enough to reach out and find them.
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