i have a simple philosophy. fill what's empty. empty what's full. and scratch where it itches.
--alice lee roosevelt longworth
all we demanded was our right to twinkle.
--marilyn monroe
'well, I'll eat it,' said alice, 'and if it makes me grow larger, I can reach the key; and if it makes me grow smaller, I can creep under the door; so either way i'll get into the garden, and i don't care which happens!'
--alice, alice's adventures in wonderland
i remember a night, not long ago (maybe a year, maybe less, but definitely before i left san antonio), on the phone with jax, out on my porch, righteously indignant and in tears, yet again. i don't remember exactly what i was upset about, or maybe i'd had a major session with therapy mary, but i was real.wound.up. i vividly remember saying to jax, " i really don't even care what happens next, as long as it's something different. this sameness, this always-winter-and-never-christmas...this, i can't stand much longer." and jackie, wise woman that she is, reminded me, "girl, you best be careful what you wish for."
and she was right. i had best be really, really careful. and by" best be careful", i mean i stopped wishing...for anything. i stopped hoping, for anything. i caved all the way in, put my head down, and just kept going. because that's what i do, it's how i knew i was supposed to do it, not because of anything anyone told me, but because of how it felt when i finally stopped being such a cry-baby about how hard it is to be a real grown up and make a life that means something, and freaking acted like a real grown up and realized i had a life that meant something to me, and meant something that was deep and profound, and good, even when it was really, really tough to understand or feel like i was doing anything more than treading water. and it was absolutely the right thing to do.
it was hard, not hard like four years of therapy, trying to figure out how to be someone who didn't feel strung out and crazy and like a constant disappointment, and anxious about getting shit right, the first time EVERY TIME, but it was hard. those four years of work made it not awful, though. even when all the wheels came off, and there was that scary six weeks of waiting to see if pieces would fall into place, i never considered that something wouldn't work out. that's the strangest thing, the thing that i've always managed to believe, even before therapy mary, even at the worst moments...i always believed in my heart of hearts that i'd figure it out, that G-d and the universe would hand me what i needed, when i needed it, and i would figure it out.
and things did change. everything changed. and it's still changing. it never stopped, really...even though it felt like geological ages passed between when things got nuts and when things started to smooth out. the cool part, the part i didn't imagine, that i didn't even dare to wish for, was at some point, it wouldn't just be me figuring it out, navigating the rivers, looking at the calendar. and now, it's not just me.
we figure this out, now. we figure this out.
that's kind of amazing.
mil besos,
rmg
and she was right. i had best be really, really careful. and by" best be careful", i mean i stopped wishing...for anything. i stopped hoping, for anything. i caved all the way in, put my head down, and just kept going. because that's what i do, it's how i knew i was supposed to do it, not because of anything anyone told me, but because of how it felt when i finally stopped being such a cry-baby about how hard it is to be a real grown up and make a life that means something, and freaking acted like a real grown up and realized i had a life that meant something to me, and meant something that was deep and profound, and good, even when it was really, really tough to understand or feel like i was doing anything more than treading water. and it was absolutely the right thing to do.
it was hard, not hard like four years of therapy, trying to figure out how to be someone who didn't feel strung out and crazy and like a constant disappointment, and anxious about getting shit right, the first time EVERY TIME, but it was hard. those four years of work made it not awful, though. even when all the wheels came off, and there was that scary six weeks of waiting to see if pieces would fall into place, i never considered that something wouldn't work out. that's the strangest thing, the thing that i've always managed to believe, even before therapy mary, even at the worst moments...i always believed in my heart of hearts that i'd figure it out, that G-d and the universe would hand me what i needed, when i needed it, and i would figure it out.
and things did change. everything changed. and it's still changing. it never stopped, really...even though it felt like geological ages passed between when things got nuts and when things started to smooth out. the cool part, the part i didn't imagine, that i didn't even dare to wish for, was at some point, it wouldn't just be me figuring it out, navigating the rivers, looking at the calendar. and now, it's not just me.
we figure this out, now. we figure this out.
that's kind of amazing.
mil besos,
rmg
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