being here

Nothing I cared, in the lamb white days, that time would take me
Up to the swallow thronged loft by the shadow of my hand,
In the moon that is always rising,
Nor that riding to sleep
I should hear him fly with the high fields
And wake to the farm forever fled from the childless land.
Oh as I was young and easy in the mercy of his means,
Time held me green and dying
Though I sang in my chains like the sea.

--dylan thomas
"fern hill"

in the midst of doing this new thing, in this new place, knowing and seeing all my imperfections and weirdnesses, i am constantly amazed at how good life feels, right now. sure, there are ups and downs, and about a million and one questions that i'd love to have answered...but, seriously, you guys...the last two mornings, i've woken up with a smile on my face. a smile before a cup of coffee, before seven a.m., even.

to be here, to live here, to feel this way, for however long it lasts, is worth everything it took to get here.  i mean that, with my whole self.  the last year was absolutely terrifying and scary and lonely and hugely formative.  i can't help but be grateful for it, even as i am so glad it's over.

adventure isn't just looming, it's in the now. life isn't something i wait for...it is something i consume daily. there is no more waiting, there is only now, and there is only this, and when now is later and this has become that, i'll have a whole new backlog of stories and faces to sort through and fall in love with, all over again.

once i gave myself permission not to know everything, not to get it right on the first try every single time, once i told myself that all falling down meant was that i had to get back up again, and once i finally remembered that grace is unlimited and bottomless and all around me, it was like i could see the sun, again...feel it on my face...it is good to remember. it is hard not to forget. i set up little reminders for myself, all over the apartment, all over my office, all over my conversations...i don't want to forget, again.

it's ok to struggle. it's ok to not know. it's ok. it's all ok, and it always was ok, even when it wasn't.

shit happens. grace abides. love conquers all.

mil besos,
rmg