real things

yoga workout, last night...heart chakra...i cried halfway through the warm up.  i had this really frustrating conversation, and just allowed myself to descend into this shame spiral, the deep and painful kind that i sort of used to live in.  it was gut-wrenching.  i couldn't relax or concentrate on my breathing.  all i could hear, instead of the yogini or the soundtrack, was this litany of criticisms.  this voice in the back of my head was telling me over and over how silly and stubborn i am, how naive and ridiculous i can be, how i'm too particular about the way i live my life, how strange it is for me to need time to myself, or instructions on what i should do to take time for myself, how i never ask for help, how i never this never that miss the mark, no matter how big the bullseye is...it was exhausting.  maybe some of those things are even true.  and as much as i have asked G-d to make me sufficient, not fabulous, not abundant, not unshakable, not inviolable, just sufficient...someone who makes sound decisions, someone who thinks of others first, someone who stands on her own two feet, someone who says please and thank you and is not afraid to apologize when she is wrong, i am aware that i am a work in progress.  i know that in the final analysis, and in whatever kind of experience comes after this life, it's really only between me and G-d, all that business.  but...damn, sometimes...we leave marks on each other.  and sometimes, it is hard to still the voices that linger long after the phone call ends.

but every single day we wake up on the green side of the grass is a fresh start.  and as i worked through my tears and willed myself to focus on being present, not rehashing the phone call, not feeling like a total failure, and just allowed myself to feel how i was feeling, i found one of those spaces i wish i could crawl into and stay in forever.  every time i do yoga, i am reminded of the breath G-d breathed into me when i was born.  sometimes, when i practice, it's like i can feel that first breath, feel the Presence hovering over me, swaddling and animating me.  the will to do one more pose, one more mantra, one more breath washes over me, and nothing but that single and solitary experience of Now and This and Right exists.

run #2 tonight...

mil besos,
rmg